Yeah, so I'm scared to death of my little baby starting to walk. Most parents look forward to the first steps, such a big milestone. Why couldn't it be a little later, when she was a little bigger? So, she is getting close. She can stand up on her own and balance pretty well now. She has taken a couple of steps between me and my husband already. So, it's coming, and I'm not ready for it.
I have never been so scared of her development any other time and always looked forward to what was coming next. But Noella, I am not ready for you to walk yet.
Let me explain:
Noella has no fear. She loves to be thrown in the air. She attempts to launch herself out of your lap, if she sees something she wants on the floor. She will try and fall off of the couch, chair, bed.... When she takes that first step, there is going to be no stopping her. She is going to try and run..... into the TV, the door, stairs..... I can not image the injuries and turmoil that will follow her first steps. SO this is what I am afraid of.
Or maybe its more. Maybe I don't want my baby to grow up and there is something about walking that makes her not a baby anymore. Maybe it is the fear of all of the other milestones that are to come, after this transition into toddler hood, that is coming way ahead of schedule. Maybe that is my real anguish.
Or maybe walking is the step towards a life that I can not protect all the time. Maybe it is my baby leaving my grasp and me having to step back and let her fall, or be OK with her falling. Maybe walking is the symbol of a child that is not always going to need or want me to be around. And I am not OK with that.
SO, whatever the real reason, probably a combination of all of the above, I am not ready yet and at the same time scared I might miss it. What is she takes her first steps at childcare or before I get home from work? I don't want to miss this momentous event even though I am not ready for it to happen yet.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
9 Months TODAY!
So, Noella turns 9 months today. Still can't believe how fast she has grown.
What she can do:
1. roll over
2. sit up
3. crawl
4. pull herself up on furniture and cruise
5. eat with her fingers
6. eat anything she finds on the floor (great pincher grasp)
7. bring a spoon to her mouth
8. get food in her ears, hair, eye, nose, diaper..... whenever she is eating
9. make everyone melt that meets her (she smiles at everyone)
10. grab the center of attention when she comes into a room
11. NEW: stand up on her own (getting very scared now)
12. open her dresser drawers and pull out all of her clothes
13. close her fingers in her dresser drawers (baby-proofing supplies purchased, installation soon to come)
14. locate where the remote control, cell phone, or anything else she is not suppose to have immediately after entering a room
15. Scream Daddy all the time
16. Use sign language to communicate (so far: "more" and "finished")
17. clap
18. pull the dog and cat's fur out (the dog doesn't seem to care, the cat, not a fan)
19. Wine
20. "sing" to the music in the car
21. ride in the buggyat the grocery store
22. eat at a restaurant without crying, screaming, or being annoying (she loves going out so she can meet all the people walking by)
Make me smile no matter how I feel.
Break my heart when she cries or is in pain.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
My Baby is using Sign Language!
My Baby Can Sign!
I have been trying to teach my daughter some simple sign language to help her communicate with us. We have been working on "more" and "finished" when she is eating for probably about 2 to 3 months now. She finally got it! She is pretty good about signing more, although sometimes it looks like clapping. And just last night signed finished for the first time. This morning I was asking my husband if she was finished and cleaned up after breakfast and she signed "finished" just from hearing me say it.
It is awesome and, let me tell you, it is worth it. Meal time is so much more pleasant with less screaming and crying for more food and starting to be less throwing food on the floor when she is done. I highly recommend teaching sign language to all babies.
I just ordered a DVD and book to help us teach her more signs. I am hoping for: food, drink, hungry, sleepy, help, and cold. We will see how it goes. I will keep you posted.
It is amazing that even though she can't say too many words she can understand what we are saying to her. This is giving her a way to respond and communicate with us. I Love It!
I have been trying to teach my daughter some simple sign language to help her communicate with us. We have been working on "more" and "finished" when she is eating for probably about 2 to 3 months now. She finally got it! She is pretty good about signing more, although sometimes it looks like clapping. And just last night signed finished for the first time. This morning I was asking my husband if she was finished and cleaned up after breakfast and she signed "finished" just from hearing me say it.
It is awesome and, let me tell you, it is worth it. Meal time is so much more pleasant with less screaming and crying for more food and starting to be less throwing food on the floor when she is done. I highly recommend teaching sign language to all babies.
I just ordered a DVD and book to help us teach her more signs. I am hoping for: food, drink, hungry, sleepy, help, and cold. We will see how it goes. I will keep you posted.
It is amazing that even though she can't say too many words she can understand what we are saying to her. This is giving her a way to respond and communicate with us. I Love It!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
South Beach Diet, Here I Come
SO, I am starting the South Beach Diet. I am officially in day two, so far so good. Meaning I haven't wanted to bang my head against the wall and eat everything in sight.....yet.
The urgency came after my fitness evaluation at the gym I have been going to 6 days a week for three months. I gained 13 pounds in the last three weeks. I have been somewhat out of commission due to bursitis in my foot. Yeah, I can't win. The ever evolving post pardon after effects continue to emerge. SO 13 pounds, I am back to probably what I weighted when I was 6 months pregnant, joy. So, back to South Beach. I am pretty optimistic. I did South Beach for the year before I got pregnant. I lost 30 pounds and was back to where my body should be, bought new clothes and celebrating, then found out I was pregnant.
I figure getting back on the healthy food train, for real, and exercising 6 times a week, once my foot is operational again, should put me back on track pretty quickly. I can only hope. Then I will get to really see what this new body has in store for me.
So send me good thoughts and luck, I am looking to lose 53 pounds.
The urgency came after my fitness evaluation at the gym I have been going to 6 days a week for three months. I gained 13 pounds in the last three weeks. I have been somewhat out of commission due to bursitis in my foot. Yeah, I can't win. The ever evolving post pardon after effects continue to emerge. SO 13 pounds, I am back to probably what I weighted when I was 6 months pregnant, joy. So, back to South Beach. I am pretty optimistic. I did South Beach for the year before I got pregnant. I lost 30 pounds and was back to where my body should be, bought new clothes and celebrating, then found out I was pregnant.
I figure getting back on the healthy food train, for real, and exercising 6 times a week, once my foot is operational again, should put me back on track pretty quickly. I can only hope. Then I will get to really see what this new body has in store for me.
So send me good thoughts and luck, I am looking to lose 53 pounds.
Monday, June 29, 2009
I Have Been Abducted
This new body of mine is like an alien spaceship that I am inhabiting.
So, I put on 65+ lbs when I was pregnant. It was really more than that but I stopped counting, or advertising my count, after I hit 200 lbs, yikes! I have lost some of it but am still about 40 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy body. So, yes, I am bigger and am not quite used to that yet, but my whole body is just different. I have aches and pains where I never did before, I have trouble balancing or doing activities that I never have had before. I am just different and wondering if I will ever go back to my pre-pregnancy self. I guess this post is me finally admitting that, the old me is no more, and I have to get used to this new vessel that is my home.
It is just strange.
I am learning about myself all over again. What I can and can't do, physically. Where I store my fat. What kind of clothes look best on me, this one is the toughest. How fast or slow I can lose weight and change this body. I have been going to the gym for three months, six days a week, and have not lost any weight. I am stronger and feel better but, in my old body, I would have at least lost 15 lbs by now.
I am trying to accept this new body and new me, but it is hard! It is hard to do things I used to love doing. I am not just having an issue with stamina but more so with balance. I am not confident on my own feet. I feel so much more fragile and off center than I ever have before, even when I was out of shape before the pregnancy. And I was never really known for being graceful, coordinated, or balanced to begin with.
I will continue my journey of one, trying to get back in the best physical shape I can be in, and two, accepting the new reality of what that shape will look and feel like.
So, I put on 65+ lbs when I was pregnant. It was really more than that but I stopped counting, or advertising my count, after I hit 200 lbs, yikes! I have lost some of it but am still about 40 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy body. So, yes, I am bigger and am not quite used to that yet, but my whole body is just different. I have aches and pains where I never did before, I have trouble balancing or doing activities that I never have had before. I am just different and wondering if I will ever go back to my pre-pregnancy self. I guess this post is me finally admitting that, the old me is no more, and I have to get used to this new vessel that is my home.
It is just strange.
I am learning about myself all over again. What I can and can't do, physically. Where I store my fat. What kind of clothes look best on me, this one is the toughest. How fast or slow I can lose weight and change this body. I have been going to the gym for three months, six days a week, and have not lost any weight. I am stronger and feel better but, in my old body, I would have at least lost 15 lbs by now.
I am trying to accept this new body and new me, but it is hard! It is hard to do things I used to love doing. I am not just having an issue with stamina but more so with balance. I am not confident on my own feet. I feel so much more fragile and off center than I ever have before, even when I was out of shape before the pregnancy. And I was never really known for being graceful, coordinated, or balanced to begin with.
I will continue my journey of one, trying to get back in the best physical shape I can be in, and two, accepting the new reality of what that shape will look and feel like.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Mommy Crazies
I still have those crazy thoughts and moments of fear that almost bring me to tears. They seem to hijack my brain for moment; it is like breaking and entering. I need to find the jail in my mind to lock them up in.
The fear of what if:
What if I get into a car accident while she is in the car?
What if someone breaks into my house and takes her while I am in the bathroom, literally caught with my pants down?
What if she chokes, will I panic, will I know what to do?
What if something happens and I can't get a hold of Mike?
What if something happens to us, while she is at the sitters, who will go get her, love her, and take care of her?
All crazy thoughts that will most likely never even come close to happening. But I have thought of them all, and what I would do, what might happen, what could happen in each circumstance. And usually, nearly come to tears while driving, at work, or just thinking about these thoughts of craziness. Then I quickly try and turn it off.
Here is an example of crazy mommy brain.
Yesterday, while driving to the gym, the thought of getting into a car accident just broke into my mind. Mike was at band practice. The crazy continues. My little car, if hit in the right spot, would not protect Noella at all. What if she was hurt? I imagine myself screaming for help, calling 911 and possibly attacking the other driving. Then, how do I get a hold of Mike? I imagine calling, and him not answering, he is playing the drums. Then I think, do I have all his band members’ numbers in my phone? Sending text messages with 911 to all of them, hoping to get a response. Meanwhile, I am on my way to the hospital with Noella, trying to figure out if they would take us to Mon General or Ruby, I do not trust the hospital in Fairmont.
All of this rushing through my brain, not because I almost got into an accident or I saw an accident or that someone was talking about one just because....it could happen. Then the rush of emotion enters my heart. Just the thought of my helpless baby being hurt or in danger makes my eyes well up and my heart ache. Deep breaths, deep breaths, trying to push these feelings, images and thoughts out of my head.
See what I mean about crazy? When will this end? When will I not worry every free second of my life and not imagine the worst possible outcome of everything involving my daughter?
You probably think that I am the Mom that is scared of something hurting my child that I will not go anywhere, do anything, or let her do anything. I am not, I do not let this craziness consume me or prevent me from letting her grow up, I just get caught up in the craziness from time to time and cause myself ridiculous stress and turmoil. Then I come back to reality and know that I cannot protect her from everything and I cannot prevent or prepare for everything and try to reassure myself that in the moment, I will do what I need to do to help her and protect her.
Damn, being a Mommy is hard.
The fear of what if:
What if I get into a car accident while she is in the car?
What if someone breaks into my house and takes her while I am in the bathroom, literally caught with my pants down?
What if she chokes, will I panic, will I know what to do?
What if something happens and I can't get a hold of Mike?
What if something happens to us, while she is at the sitters, who will go get her, love her, and take care of her?
All crazy thoughts that will most likely never even come close to happening. But I have thought of them all, and what I would do, what might happen, what could happen in each circumstance. And usually, nearly come to tears while driving, at work, or just thinking about these thoughts of craziness. Then I quickly try and turn it off.
Here is an example of crazy mommy brain.
Yesterday, while driving to the gym, the thought of getting into a car accident just broke into my mind. Mike was at band practice. The crazy continues. My little car, if hit in the right spot, would not protect Noella at all. What if she was hurt? I imagine myself screaming for help, calling 911 and possibly attacking the other driving. Then, how do I get a hold of Mike? I imagine calling, and him not answering, he is playing the drums. Then I think, do I have all his band members’ numbers in my phone? Sending text messages with 911 to all of them, hoping to get a response. Meanwhile, I am on my way to the hospital with Noella, trying to figure out if they would take us to Mon General or Ruby, I do not trust the hospital in Fairmont.
All of this rushing through my brain, not because I almost got into an accident or I saw an accident or that someone was talking about one just because....it could happen. Then the rush of emotion enters my heart. Just the thought of my helpless baby being hurt or in danger makes my eyes well up and my heart ache. Deep breaths, deep breaths, trying to push these feelings, images and thoughts out of my head.
See what I mean about crazy? When will this end? When will I not worry every free second of my life and not imagine the worst possible outcome of everything involving my daughter?
You probably think that I am the Mom that is scared of something hurting my child that I will not go anywhere, do anything, or let her do anything. I am not, I do not let this craziness consume me or prevent me from letting her grow up, I just get caught up in the craziness from time to time and cause myself ridiculous stress and turmoil. Then I come back to reality and know that I cannot protect her from everything and I cannot prevent or prepare for everything and try to reassure myself that in the moment, I will do what I need to do to help her and protect her.
Damn, being a Mommy is hard.
Little Miss. Independent
8 months!
Noella is eight months old now and looks like a real person! Sounds strange but true. She doesn't look like a baby anymore but a person. I cannot believe how much she has grown and changed since her birth eight months ago. She is amazing!
She is so independent, too independent. She is eating finger food on her own and gets mad when we try and feed her from a spoon. I still have stocks of homemade baby food and purchased jars of baby food that she refuses to eat. She also doesn't like walking while she holds our hand anymore. She would much rather do it herself; either crawling or walking while holding on to some inanimate object. Little Miss. Independent. She is taking baths in the big bathtub, sitting in highchairs and eating the same food as us at restaurants and successfully using her sippy cup. It is amazing and very humorous just watching her play and explore in our living room. If only, one page from a magazine could entertain me for multiple days.
I love her everyday just a little bit more than the day before and at the same time cannot comprehend how I could ever love anything more than I love her right now. It is amazing the capacity you have to love a child.
Noella is eight months old now and looks like a real person! Sounds strange but true. She doesn't look like a baby anymore but a person. I cannot believe how much she has grown and changed since her birth eight months ago. She is amazing!
She is so independent, too independent. She is eating finger food on her own and gets mad when we try and feed her from a spoon. I still have stocks of homemade baby food and purchased jars of baby food that she refuses to eat. She also doesn't like walking while she holds our hand anymore. She would much rather do it herself; either crawling or walking while holding on to some inanimate object. Little Miss. Independent. She is taking baths in the big bathtub, sitting in highchairs and eating the same food as us at restaurants and successfully using her sippy cup. It is amazing and very humorous just watching her play and explore in our living room. If only, one page from a magazine could entertain me for multiple days.
I love her everyday just a little bit more than the day before and at the same time cannot comprehend how I could ever love anything more than I love her right now. It is amazing the capacity you have to love a child.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Damn Insurance Companies!
We had to take Noella to a Pediatric Urologist. Since there are none in West Virginia, we went to Pittsburgh. Because it is out of state, I had to request permission from the insurance company to take her there. IT WAS DENIED! They want us to instead take her to Charlottesville, VA or Columbus,OH. Because these hospitals work better with the insurance company than Pittsburgh. OK lets think about this. Pittsburgh is 1.5 hours away, Charlottesville is 4.5 hours away and Columbus is 3.5 hours away. The denial letter stated that if there were facilities within a reasonable geographic location you need to go to those facilities. So, according to our wonderful insurance, it is reasonable to travel 9 hours with a six month old baby for a 20 minuet appointment. WTF! Are you kidding me?
So really they are covering it but at the higher, out of network rate. All in all, it isn't that big of a deal. But the principle of it really pisses me off. I pay a ridiculous amount of money to have insurance and then they expect me to do something unhealthy with my child so I can go to the Dr.'s that they prefer? Really fool, really?
So I am writing an appeal letter and get angrier about it every time I think about it. What is wrong with people?
So really they are covering it but at the higher, out of network rate. All in all, it isn't that big of a deal. But the principle of it really pisses me off. I pay a ridiculous amount of money to have insurance and then they expect me to do something unhealthy with my child so I can go to the Dr.'s that they prefer? Really fool, really?
So I am writing an appeal letter and get angrier about it every time I think about it. What is wrong with people?
7 Months
So, Noella is 7 months old. It seemed to just creep up on me. I can't believe all that we have been through. My little tiny baby is getting big!
She is crawling, eating, and has two teeth!
OK lets catch up. We went to see the Pediatric Urologist and he said the same as everyone else. She will be on the low dose antibiotic and should probably grow out of it. She went to her six month appointment and her Dr. was in shock when we told her she was crawling already. She stated Noella was three months ahead all around. She is still average weight and very tall 85% with a little noodle. She did great with the shoots. cried when she got them but settled right down as soon as I picked her up.
She is eating everything. We have not found anything that she wont eat. She is not too crazy about bananas and potatoes. She really doesn't like any kind of texture in her food. She sprouted her second tooth this weekend. I have been trying to make most of her food myself. It is pretty easy and it actually tastes pretty good too.
Life is pretty good. We are trying to figure out how to freeze her at this stage and keep our little baby a baby. Whenever we are reminded that some day she will be going to school, and then hitting puberty, and then dating, and college..... I can't imagine being a Mom of a big kid. I guess by that time I will be ready for it, really I will have no choice...so ready or not.
The only problem we are having is that Noella wants to constantly be in the same room with us. In the morning, while we are getting ready for work, we put her in her baby-proofed room with a gate. She cries until we take her out or join her. It is very difficult to listen to her cry all morning and then drop her off at the baby-sitters. When we are in the room with her, she happily plays by herself most of the time but there is something about us stepping out of the same room that she wont tolerate. Now, I just let her cry. I can see her from the bathroom and know she is safe and just let her cry. I'm sure our neighbors hate us by now. Sometimes, I think CPS is going to knock on my door for neglect. It breaks my heart to listen to her, knowing that if I just picked her up she would stop. And when I do pick her up to get ready to go, I have to wipe away her tears. At least she does not do this when I drop her off at the sitters. I don't know if I am going to be able to handle that. Not sure what else to do. I was hoping she would get used to it and stop but as of yet, no luck with that one.
She is crawling, eating, and has two teeth!
OK lets catch up. We went to see the Pediatric Urologist and he said the same as everyone else. She will be on the low dose antibiotic and should probably grow out of it. She went to her six month appointment and her Dr. was in shock when we told her she was crawling already. She stated Noella was three months ahead all around. She is still average weight and very tall 85% with a little noodle. She did great with the shoots. cried when she got them but settled right down as soon as I picked her up.
She is eating everything. We have not found anything that she wont eat. She is not too crazy about bananas and potatoes. She really doesn't like any kind of texture in her food. She sprouted her second tooth this weekend. I have been trying to make most of her food myself. It is pretty easy and it actually tastes pretty good too.
Life is pretty good. We are trying to figure out how to freeze her at this stage and keep our little baby a baby. Whenever we are reminded that some day she will be going to school, and then hitting puberty, and then dating, and college..... I can't imagine being a Mom of a big kid. I guess by that time I will be ready for it, really I will have no choice...so ready or not.
The only problem we are having is that Noella wants to constantly be in the same room with us. In the morning, while we are getting ready for work, we put her in her baby-proofed room with a gate. She cries until we take her out or join her. It is very difficult to listen to her cry all morning and then drop her off at the baby-sitters. When we are in the room with her, she happily plays by herself most of the time but there is something about us stepping out of the same room that she wont tolerate. Now, I just let her cry. I can see her from the bathroom and know she is safe and just let her cry. I'm sure our neighbors hate us by now. Sometimes, I think CPS is going to knock on my door for neglect. It breaks my heart to listen to her, knowing that if I just picked her up she would stop. And when I do pick her up to get ready to go, I have to wipe away her tears. At least she does not do this when I drop her off at the sitters. I don't know if I am going to be able to handle that. Not sure what else to do. I was hoping she would get used to it and stop but as of yet, no luck with that one.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Results
So, I finally spoke with Noella's Dr. today. She does have VUR. She has a grade 1 on the right and a grade 2 on the left. Which means, she should grow out of it and it shouldn't be too big of a deal. They are putting her on a daily low dose antibiotic and sending us to see a Pediatric Urologist. The worst part is she will have to go through that horrible test at least once a year, until she completely grows out of it. I guess I can't complain about that too much, at least she shouldn't need surgery. Sigh of relief.
It is unbelievable how every little thing that happens with your kids can scare the living crap out of you. If I had been through exactly the same thing that Noella went through, I wouldn't have been worried. But with such a little person, it is scary. I think the worst part is that Noella can't tell us how she feels or what is wrong. Whenever she is cranky, I am constantly guessing, is it another UTI, her reflux, teeth coming in... And really it is nothing.
It is unbelievable how every little thing that happens with your kids can scare the living crap out of you. If I had been through exactly the same thing that Noella went through, I wouldn't have been worried. But with such a little person, it is scary. I think the worst part is that Noella can't tell us how she feels or what is wrong. Whenever she is cranky, I am constantly guessing, is it another UTI, her reflux, teeth coming in... And really it is nothing.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Beautiful moments
Smiling
When I enter the room
When I drop her off at the baby-sitters
When anyone looks at her
With her eyes
Watching Daddy play the guitar intently
Daddy reading a story about ballet before bed
kicking feet whenever something exciting is happening like...
Oatmeal being made
A bottle on the way
Mommy or Daddy walking by
or just looking
Splashing in the tub
Trying to put all her toys in her mouth
"Singing" to the radio in the car
Laughing laughing laughing
When tickled
Playing Peek-a-boo
Mimicking her
sneezing
sticking out your tung
streching every inch of her body to reach something
Love
When I enter the room
When I drop her off at the baby-sitters
When anyone looks at her
With her eyes
Watching Daddy play the guitar intently
Daddy reading a story about ballet before bed
kicking feet whenever something exciting is happening like...
Oatmeal being made
A bottle on the way
Mommy or Daddy walking by
or just looking
Splashing in the tub
Trying to put all her toys in her mouth
"Singing" to the radio in the car
Laughing laughing laughing
When tickled
Playing Peek-a-boo
Mimicking her
sneezing
sticking out your tung
streching every inch of her body to reach something
Love
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
102 degrees remembered and VUR
The scariest moment thus far as a mom. When Noella was 3 and half months my babysitter called me at work because she had a low grade temperature. Noella had not been sick at all to this point, so like the paraniod crazy mom, I rushed over to pick her up. I took her home and took her temperature for myself. It was 100.8, a little high but not too bad. I preceded to call the Dr.'s office where I was greeted with an understanding nurse, assuring me that it was OK and to just give her some Tylenol, it could just be some teeth coming in. At 8:00 pm that night her low grade temperature turned into the real deal, hitting 102.2 degrees. I called the on-call Dr. who instructed me to give her a little more Tylenol and keep her cool and to call and make an appointment first thing in the morning. I still felt OK. She didn't have any other symptoms and her temp went down soon after giving her the Tylenol.
The next morning was definitely not what I was expecting! After a couple of test were run, it was determined that Noella had a hard core UTI. We were sent to the hospital for three nights to get intravenous antibiotics. Yikes! Imagine caring for a three month old baby while they are getting a catheter to test their urine and having an IV put in their arm all while spiking a fever. It was.........frightening! I will never forget her little body flailling in every direction while three nurses and myself held her down to put in the IV. Such a little baby and so strong. Even her head was jerking around. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and turned a nice shade of tomato red. The nurses tried to reassure me that if she wasn't putting up a fight, that is when I should worry. Then, inevitablly, the comments about her red hair and temper to match.
After this ordeal, they sent her for an ultrasound, took blood and what seemed like test after test after test. The worse part was the waiting. Waiting to hear the results. Waiting to talk to the Dr. and waiting for it all to sink in. I think we had the Dr.'s explain everything to us at least five times. Not knowing what to ask or what else there was to know, we just asked for it all over and over again. The Dr.'s tried to reassure us that sometimes it just happens, while telling us six weeks from now she will have another, horrible test, to determine if there is something anatomically wrong. Maybe she will just grow out of it, maybe surgery, maybe it just happened.
Oh, and while at the hospital Noella caught a cold that turned into wheezing causing her to need a nebulizer breathing treatment every four hours and puts her at risk of developing asthma.
So, Noella had this horrible test yesterday, and let me tell you she was a trooper! Let me explain what she went through. She had a voiding cystourethrogram to determine if she has Vesicoureteral reflux (VUR). OK, so they strapped her down to a two by six board with thick Velcro belts, inserted a catheter, injected die into her bladder and took pictures of it while she was peeing. Expecting my constantly moving, stubborn baby to scream throughout this whole procedure, I was pleasantly surprised. She did sooo much better than I would have. She cried for a few minutes after the catheter was inserted, but that was it! She looked around at everyone and everything and stayed calm throughout the procedure. She lifted her head up to see what the nurse and Dr.'s were up to and was fine.
So, the test is to determine if she has VUR, reflux of her pee. This is when your pee travels backward and makes it more likely for you to get UTI's and can cause more serious consequences with your kidneys....yeah kidneys! Our Dr. told us that most babies just grow out of it. If she did have it, she would more than likely just be on a low dose antibiotic to prevent future UTI's and would get tested every year to monitor it. It all depends on how severe the reflux is. 1 to 2 grade = grow out/ antibiotics; 3 to 5 grade = surgery to correct the problem. So, what were the results? She does have VUR, I guess she is refluxing from everywhere. How bad? I am not really sure and am back to the waiting game. The Dr. that performed the test seemed to think it was a grade two which means she will grow out of it. But when we called our Dr. she indicated that she needed to wait for the written report and she might refer us to a specialist in Pittsburgh. So, I am not really sure what to think but am waiting......till the end of the week, hopefully. I hate waiting!
Weird fact: VUR is more common in girls and in children with red hair
The next morning was definitely not what I was expecting! After a couple of test were run, it was determined that Noella had a hard core UTI. We were sent to the hospital for three nights to get intravenous antibiotics. Yikes! Imagine caring for a three month old baby while they are getting a catheter to test their urine and having an IV put in their arm all while spiking a fever. It was.........frightening! I will never forget her little body flailling in every direction while three nurses and myself held her down to put in the IV. Such a little baby and so strong. Even her head was jerking around. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and turned a nice shade of tomato red. The nurses tried to reassure me that if she wasn't putting up a fight, that is when I should worry. Then, inevitablly, the comments about her red hair and temper to match.
After this ordeal, they sent her for an ultrasound, took blood and what seemed like test after test after test. The worse part was the waiting. Waiting to hear the results. Waiting to talk to the Dr. and waiting for it all to sink in. I think we had the Dr.'s explain everything to us at least five times. Not knowing what to ask or what else there was to know, we just asked for it all over and over again. The Dr.'s tried to reassure us that sometimes it just happens, while telling us six weeks from now she will have another, horrible test, to determine if there is something anatomically wrong. Maybe she will just grow out of it, maybe surgery, maybe it just happened.
Oh, and while at the hospital Noella caught a cold that turned into wheezing causing her to need a nebulizer breathing treatment every four hours and puts her at risk of developing asthma.
So, Noella had this horrible test yesterday, and let me tell you she was a trooper! Let me explain what she went through. She had a voiding cystourethrogram to determine if she has Vesicoureteral reflux (VUR). OK, so they strapped her down to a two by six board with thick Velcro belts, inserted a catheter, injected die into her bladder and took pictures of it while she was peeing. Expecting my constantly moving, stubborn baby to scream throughout this whole procedure, I was pleasantly surprised. She did sooo much better than I would have. She cried for a few minutes after the catheter was inserted, but that was it! She looked around at everyone and everything and stayed calm throughout the procedure. She lifted her head up to see what the nurse and Dr.'s were up to and was fine.
So, the test is to determine if she has VUR, reflux of her pee. This is when your pee travels backward and makes it more likely for you to get UTI's and can cause more serious consequences with your kidneys....yeah kidneys! Our Dr. told us that most babies just grow out of it. If she did have it, she would more than likely just be on a low dose antibiotic to prevent future UTI's and would get tested every year to monitor it. It all depends on how severe the reflux is. 1 to 2 grade = grow out/ antibiotics; 3 to 5 grade = surgery to correct the problem. So, what were the results? She does have VUR, I guess she is refluxing from everywhere. How bad? I am not really sure and am back to the waiting game. The Dr. that performed the test seemed to think it was a grade two which means she will grow out of it. But when we called our Dr. she indicated that she needed to wait for the written report and she might refer us to a specialist in Pittsburgh. So, I am not really sure what to think but am waiting......till the end of the week, hopefully. I hate waiting!
Weird fact: VUR is more common in girls and in children with red hair
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The beginning
So this is my first attempt at blogging. THought it would be a good way to vent and deal with some of my Mommy insanity. A little about me, I currently live in West Virginia with my 5 and a half month old daughter and husband. All of our family are in Rhode Island. So, we have been doing this parenting thing on our own.
My daughter, Noella, had reflux when she was a baby. I spent a good three months with her crying constantly, with no way to soothe her, until we figured out how to treat her reflux. Those months were trying to say the least. Many days my husband would come home from work to find both of us crying. When I was burnt out of walking and bouncing or standing by the exhaust fan over the stove or the bathroom, I would just sit and hold her and we would cry together.
Saying that she cried often, does not adequately paint the picture that I was facing. She cried whenever she was not sleeping, and her crying is not what you are imagining in your head. She screamed uncontrollably, arched her back looking for relief, and only fell asleep because she exerted every ounce of energy crying from the pain.
I cannot describe the immense feelings of frustration, loneliness, and inadequacy. I loved my baby girl more than anything, but felt helpless in being able to soothe her. I felt unable to leave my house, not knowing if she would cry uncontrollably while I was out. When I did go out, I felt constantly judged because my baby did not settle down when she was held by her mother, like normal babies are suppose to do. I felt like no one understood what it was like to mother a baby with reflux, and then when we put her on medication to treat the reflux, a God sent relief, I felt judged for giving my baby drugs. I still feel judged when I thank God for baby Zantac and how much of a difference it has made with my baby. I still feel that people don't understand what it is like when Noella is not on Zantac, and therefore cannot understand why I would give my baby drugs and not just deal with it.
I find myself feeling guilty for admitting that I had a difficult baby. That does not mean I love her any less or that I don't cherish every second I have spent with her, but yes, she was hard to handle. I thank God that I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, family and friends to help me through. I thank God that I have built the necessary coping skills and emotional maturity to handle raising a tough baby. I think of the times when I heard horrible stories where mothers hurt or abandoned their child, and you know, I can understand a little better where they were at. I don't think that I could ever be in that situation, but if I did not have what I have, I can't say that I wouldn't be there too.
I feel jealous when I hear other moms talk about how good their babies are. How they never cry and are so quiet and easy. I honestly cannot imagine what it would have been like if Noella did not have reflux. I would not change her for a second and love every inch of her and every moment of her life, but at the same time feel jealous of the time other moms have with their "normal" babies. I don't remember a whole lot of those first few months.
I am well aware that all babies are different and in fact there really isn't any "normal" baby. But if this is the case, then why do mothers judge each other so easily or why do we feel that we are being judged, when in reality we are just judging ourselves. Why is there this unattainable "ideal" image of what a mother is, that no one can live up to, and why do we measure every action we take and decision we make to it?
Now that Noella is treated for her reflux, she is a smiling, happy baby. Right now, she is soooo much fun. She is sitting on her own, not quite crawling yet. She laughs when I play peek-a-boo, sneeze, or sometimes just make a funny face at her. I love her more than I ever felt possible! The way I live my life has changed dramatically. Not in that I don't go out much, which I don't, or that I don't drink much anymore, which I don't, but in how I approach everyday and every decision. I am constantly aware that someone else needs me. I drive more cautiously, am more aware of my surroundings and have different priorities. I hate to sound cliche in saying that life changes when you have a child, but in fact, it does. Sometimes I miss my freedom and old life but really, I am so much happier and can't imagine life without my baby-girl.
My daughter, Noella, had reflux when she was a baby. I spent a good three months with her crying constantly, with no way to soothe her, until we figured out how to treat her reflux. Those months were trying to say the least. Many days my husband would come home from work to find both of us crying. When I was burnt out of walking and bouncing or standing by the exhaust fan over the stove or the bathroom, I would just sit and hold her and we would cry together.
Saying that she cried often, does not adequately paint the picture that I was facing. She cried whenever she was not sleeping, and her crying is not what you are imagining in your head. She screamed uncontrollably, arched her back looking for relief, and only fell asleep because she exerted every ounce of energy crying from the pain.
I cannot describe the immense feelings of frustration, loneliness, and inadequacy. I loved my baby girl more than anything, but felt helpless in being able to soothe her. I felt unable to leave my house, not knowing if she would cry uncontrollably while I was out. When I did go out, I felt constantly judged because my baby did not settle down when she was held by her mother, like normal babies are suppose to do. I felt like no one understood what it was like to mother a baby with reflux, and then when we put her on medication to treat the reflux, a God sent relief, I felt judged for giving my baby drugs. I still feel judged when I thank God for baby Zantac and how much of a difference it has made with my baby. I still feel that people don't understand what it is like when Noella is not on Zantac, and therefore cannot understand why I would give my baby drugs and not just deal with it.
I find myself feeling guilty for admitting that I had a difficult baby. That does not mean I love her any less or that I don't cherish every second I have spent with her, but yes, she was hard to handle. I thank God that I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, family and friends to help me through. I thank God that I have built the necessary coping skills and emotional maturity to handle raising a tough baby. I think of the times when I heard horrible stories where mothers hurt or abandoned their child, and you know, I can understand a little better where they were at. I don't think that I could ever be in that situation, but if I did not have what I have, I can't say that I wouldn't be there too.
I feel jealous when I hear other moms talk about how good their babies are. How they never cry and are so quiet and easy. I honestly cannot imagine what it would have been like if Noella did not have reflux. I would not change her for a second and love every inch of her and every moment of her life, but at the same time feel jealous of the time other moms have with their "normal" babies. I don't remember a whole lot of those first few months.
I am well aware that all babies are different and in fact there really isn't any "normal" baby. But if this is the case, then why do mothers judge each other so easily or why do we feel that we are being judged, when in reality we are just judging ourselves. Why is there this unattainable "ideal" image of what a mother is, that no one can live up to, and why do we measure every action we take and decision we make to it?
Now that Noella is treated for her reflux, she is a smiling, happy baby. Right now, she is soooo much fun. She is sitting on her own, not quite crawling yet. She laughs when I play peek-a-boo, sneeze, or sometimes just make a funny face at her. I love her more than I ever felt possible! The way I live my life has changed dramatically. Not in that I don't go out much, which I don't, or that I don't drink much anymore, which I don't, but in how I approach everyday and every decision. I am constantly aware that someone else needs me. I drive more cautiously, am more aware of my surroundings and have different priorities. I hate to sound cliche in saying that life changes when you have a child, but in fact, it does. Sometimes I miss my freedom and old life but really, I am so much happier and can't imagine life without my baby-girl.
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