I Have Been Abducted

This new body of mine is like an alien spaceship that I am inhabiting.

So, I put on 65+ lbs when I was pregnant. It was really more than that but I stopped counting, or advertising my count, after I hit 200 lbs, yikes! I have lost some of it but am still about 40 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy body. So, yes, I am bigger and am not quite used to that yet, but my whole body is just different. I have aches and pains where I never did before, I have trouble balancing or doing activities that I never have had before. I am just different and wondering if I will ever go back to my pre-pregnancy self. I guess this post is me finally admitting that, the old me is no more, and I have to get used to this new vessel that is my home.

It is just strange.

I am learning about myself all over again. What I can and can't do, physically. Where I store my fat. What kind of clothes look best on me, this one is the toughest. How fast or slow I can lose weight and change this body. I have been going to the gym for three months, six days a week, and have not lost any weight. I am stronger and feel better but, in my old body, I would have at least lost 15 lbs by now.

I am trying to accept this new body and new me, but it is hard! It is hard to do things I used to love doing. I am not just having an issue with stamina but more so with balance. I am not confident on my own feet. I feel so much more fragile and off center than I ever have before, even when I was out of shape before the pregnancy. And I was never really known for being graceful, coordinated, or balanced to begin with.

I will continue my journey of one, trying to get back in the best physical shape I can be in, and two, accepting the new reality of what that shape will look and feel like.

Mommy Crazies

I still have those crazy thoughts and moments of fear that almost bring me to tears. They seem to hijack my brain for moment; it is like breaking and entering. I need to find the jail in my mind to lock them up in.

The fear of what if:
What if I get into a car accident while she is in the car?
What if someone breaks into my house and takes her while I am in the bathroom, literally caught with my pants down?
What if she chokes, will I panic, will I know what to do?
What if something happens and I can't get a hold of Mike?
What if something happens to us, while she is at the sitters, who will go get her, love her, and take care of her?

All crazy thoughts that will most likely never even come close to happening. But I have thought of them all, and what I would do, what might happen, what could happen in each circumstance. And usually, nearly come to tears while driving, at work, or just thinking about these thoughts of craziness. Then I quickly try and turn it off.

Here is an example of crazy mommy brain.
Yesterday, while driving to the gym, the thought of getting into a car accident just broke into my mind. Mike was at band practice. The crazy continues. My little car, if hit in the right spot, would not protect Noella at all. What if she was hurt? I imagine myself screaming for help, calling 911 and possibly attacking the other driving. Then, how do I get a hold of Mike? I imagine calling, and him not answering, he is playing the drums. Then I think, do I have all his band members’ numbers in my phone? Sending text messages with 911 to all of them, hoping to get a response. Meanwhile, I am on my way to the hospital with Noella, trying to figure out if they would take us to Mon General or Ruby, I do not trust the hospital in Fairmont.

All of this rushing through my brain, not because I almost got into an accident or I saw an accident or that someone was talking about one just because....it could happen. Then the rush of emotion enters my heart. Just the thought of my helpless baby being hurt or in danger makes my eyes well up and my heart ache. Deep breaths, deep breaths, trying to push these feelings, images and thoughts out of my head.

See what I mean about crazy? When will this end? When will I not worry every free second of my life and not imagine the worst possible outcome of everything involving my daughter?

You probably think that I am the Mom that is scared of something hurting my child that I will not go anywhere, do anything, or let her do anything. I am not, I do not let this craziness consume me or prevent me from letting her grow up, I just get caught up in the craziness from time to time and cause myself ridiculous stress and turmoil. Then I come back to reality and know that I cannot protect her from everything and I cannot prevent or prepare for everything and try to reassure myself that in the moment, I will do what I need to do to help her and protect her.

Damn, being a Mommy is hard.

Little Miss. Independent

8 months!

Noella is eight months old now and looks like a real person! Sounds strange but true. She doesn't look like a baby anymore but a person. I cannot believe how much she has grown and changed since her birth eight months ago. She is amazing!

She is so independent, too independent. She is eating finger food on her own and gets mad when we try and feed her from a spoon. I still have stocks of homemade baby food and purchased jars of baby food that she refuses to eat. She also doesn't like walking while she holds our hand anymore. She would much rather do it herself; either crawling or walking while holding on to some inanimate object. Little Miss. Independent. She is taking baths in the big bathtub, sitting in highchairs and eating the same food as us at restaurants and successfully using her sippy cup. It is amazing and very humorous just watching her play and explore in our living room. If only, one page from a magazine could entertain me for multiple days.

I love her everyday just a little bit more than the day before and at the same time cannot comprehend how I could ever love anything more than I love her right now. It is amazing the capacity you have to love a child.