Mommy Crazies

I still have those crazy thoughts and moments of fear that almost bring me to tears. They seem to hijack my brain for moment; it is like breaking and entering. I need to find the jail in my mind to lock them up in.

The fear of what if:
What if I get into a car accident while she is in the car?
What if someone breaks into my house and takes her while I am in the bathroom, literally caught with my pants down?
What if she chokes, will I panic, will I know what to do?
What if something happens and I can't get a hold of Mike?
What if something happens to us, while she is at the sitters, who will go get her, love her, and take care of her?

All crazy thoughts that will most likely never even come close to happening. But I have thought of them all, and what I would do, what might happen, what could happen in each circumstance. And usually, nearly come to tears while driving, at work, or just thinking about these thoughts of craziness. Then I quickly try and turn it off.

Here is an example of crazy mommy brain.
Yesterday, while driving to the gym, the thought of getting into a car accident just broke into my mind. Mike was at band practice. The crazy continues. My little car, if hit in the right spot, would not protect Noella at all. What if she was hurt? I imagine myself screaming for help, calling 911 and possibly attacking the other driving. Then, how do I get a hold of Mike? I imagine calling, and him not answering, he is playing the drums. Then I think, do I have all his band members’ numbers in my phone? Sending text messages with 911 to all of them, hoping to get a response. Meanwhile, I am on my way to the hospital with Noella, trying to figure out if they would take us to Mon General or Ruby, I do not trust the hospital in Fairmont.

All of this rushing through my brain, not because I almost got into an accident or I saw an accident or that someone was talking about one just because....it could happen. Then the rush of emotion enters my heart. Just the thought of my helpless baby being hurt or in danger makes my eyes well up and my heart ache. Deep breaths, deep breaths, trying to push these feelings, images and thoughts out of my head.

See what I mean about crazy? When will this end? When will I not worry every free second of my life and not imagine the worst possible outcome of everything involving my daughter?

You probably think that I am the Mom that is scared of something hurting my child that I will not go anywhere, do anything, or let her do anything. I am not, I do not let this craziness consume me or prevent me from letting her grow up, I just get caught up in the craziness from time to time and cause myself ridiculous stress and turmoil. Then I come back to reality and know that I cannot protect her from everything and I cannot prevent or prepare for everything and try to reassure myself that in the moment, I will do what I need to do to help her and protect her.

Damn, being a Mommy is hard.