The beginning

So this is my first attempt at blogging. THought it would be a good way to vent and deal with some of my Mommy insanity. A little about me, I currently live in West Virginia with my 5 and a half month old daughter and husband. All of our family are in Rhode Island. So, we have been doing this parenting thing on our own.


My daughter, Noella, had reflux when she was a baby. I spent a good three months with her crying constantly, with no way to soothe her, until we figured out how to treat her reflux. Those months were trying to say the least. Many days my husband would come home from work to find both of us crying. When I was burnt out of walking and bouncing or standing by the exhaust fan over the stove or the bathroom, I would just sit and hold her and we would cry together.

Saying that she cried often, does not adequately paint the picture that I was facing. She cried whenever she was not sleeping, and her crying is not what you are imagining in your head. She screamed uncontrollably, arched her back looking for relief, and only fell asleep because she exerted every ounce of energy crying from the pain.

I cannot describe the immense feelings of frustration, loneliness, and inadequacy. I loved my baby girl more than anything, but felt helpless in being able to soothe her. I felt unable to leave my house, not knowing if she would cry uncontrollably while I was out. When I did go out, I felt constantly judged because my baby did not settle down when she was held by her mother, like normal babies are suppose to do. I felt like no one understood what it was like to mother a baby with reflux, and then when we put her on medication to treat the reflux, a God sent relief, I felt judged for giving my baby drugs. I still feel judged when I thank God for baby Zantac and how much of a difference it has made with my baby. I still feel that people don't understand what it is like when Noella is not on Zantac, and therefore cannot understand why I would give my baby drugs and not just deal with it.

I find myself feeling guilty for admitting that I had a difficult baby. That does not mean I love her any less or that I don't cherish every second I have spent with her, but yes, she was hard to handle. I thank God that I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, family and friends to help me through. I thank God that I have built the necessary coping skills and emotional maturity to handle raising a tough baby. I think of the times when I heard horrible stories where mothers hurt or abandoned their child, and you know, I can understand a little better where they were at. I don't think that I could ever be in that situation, but if I did not have what I have, I can't say that I wouldn't be there too.

I feel jealous when I hear other moms talk about how good their babies are. How they never cry and are so quiet and easy. I honestly cannot imagine what it would have been like if Noella did not have reflux. I would not change her for a second and love every inch of her and every moment of her life, but at the same time feel jealous of the time other moms have with their "normal" babies. I don't remember a whole lot of those first few months.

I am well aware that all babies are different and in fact there really isn't any "normal" baby. But if this is the case, then why do mothers judge each other so easily or why do we feel that we are being judged, when in reality we are just judging ourselves. Why is there this unattainable "ideal" image of what a mother is, that no one can live up to, and why do we measure every action we take and decision we make to it?

Now that Noella is treated for her reflux, she is a smiling, happy baby. Right now, she is soooo much fun. She is sitting on her own, not quite crawling yet. She laughs when I play peek-a-boo, sneeze, or sometimes just make a funny face at her. I love her more than I ever felt possible! The way I live my life has changed dramatically. Not in that I don't go out much, which I don't, or that I don't drink much anymore, which I don't, but in how I approach everyday and every decision. I am constantly aware that someone else needs me. I drive more cautiously, am more aware of my surroundings and have different priorities. I hate to sound cliche in saying that life changes when you have a child, but in fact, it does. Sometimes I miss my freedom and old life but really, I am so much happier and can't imagine life without my baby-girl.